When the Hell Did I Get So Strong?

Valentine's Day was lame.
It was a very typical Tuesday, but given the added pressure of being THEE holiday for love and gifts and romance, well...it sucked.

And I didn't care one bit.

I am very happy to report that my husband and I  have been married for so long that we are far past the point when our relationshp hinged on a night or even a conversation.
I have (on more than one occasion) imagined my husband walking in the room and saying,

"It's over. I'm leaving you."

Stupid thing to do, I know.

We are each a little bit crazy and my type of crazy comes in the form of abandonment. My parents both sort of checked out at one point and, although I didn't know it, that time planted a small seed in my heart that has grown to bear the fruit of "Any one who has ever loved you will leave you."

Believe me, it's bitter and causes heartburn.

But considering my husband and his unyeilding love, devotion and obsessive loyalty,
 I'm not afraid he will leave me.
 Ever.
Ever, ever.

In fact, if he walked into the room right now and said, "We need to talk. I'm leaving you", I would laugh and call him a liar.

And for me, that HUGE.

HUGE.

I don't know when I changed. It wasn't very long ago that, in that same scenario, I would have lowered my head and said to myself, "I knew it was too good. Because if you love me, you will eventually leave me."
But I don't believe that anymore.


And that is a gift that can't be bought or baked.
It's a gift that has taken 18 years to create and it outshines every bobble I can dream up.

Sometimes marriage is magical and thrilling.
Sometimes it is he and I, in the trenches, praying that we are digging faster than the mess that is rainging down on us.

But it is always, always he and I giving each other the benefit of the doubt.

All this outpouring of personal information was inspired by this snipit from the blog CJanerun.com.
She's a fav of mine and I hope she doesn't mind if I share with you a bit of her genius:


"And this: relationships work when we sacrifice negative beliefs about ourselves, and in that process we become the best thing that's ever happened to anyone.

And this: a successful marriage is about two people engaged and dedicated to overcoming selfishness--for the rest of their lives."

So, in short, I hope your Tuesday was thrilling and lavish and breathtaking.

Mine wasn't.
 But there's always Wednesday.....

Honestly, What was I thinking? So Glad you asked.

Lately, Ive been thinking.
If I could open up my cerebral cortex and pour the contents out onto my keyboard, it would be, well, gross. And quite the page turner. But I'm a really bad typist. And I'm lazy. So how 'bout the Cliff's Notes to my soul?

1. I want to eat like  a fat girl and look like a swinsuit model. By golly, that's the truest staement I have ever heard.
 From anyone.
 And it sounds rude. Maybe I should say I want to eat like a trucker, but I don't always want to eat like a trucker. I want to eat like girl. A robust one. And then I want to frolick on the beach in stylish swimsuit.

2. I would rather video tape myself saying all this stuff than have to type it out. I am such-a-horrendous-typer/speller. You see all the mistakes I make, right? But what you don;t see is that I have edited myself 361 times and still these mes ups remain. I'm way better in person. Or video.

3. I think I drink too much diet coke.
OH! So much honesty up in here I might die.

4. I'm babyhungry.
This statement does not correlate to fact #1.
I'm simply stating that my maternal clock is tic-tick-ticking. I didn't love being so sick. Although I did love a big tummy. I hated being so tired, but oh those moments, alone at night, with a tiny wee-one stretching, suckling, yawning. My body and soul were made for motherhood.

5. I hate the hatred of politics.
I realize I am a very conservative person. Some of my beliefs would upset you. Some of my beliefs upset me. Not because they I don't like them, but because they aren't easy and honestly (since that seems to be the thread here) everyone seems so volitile lately that disagreeing has become tantamount to hatred. So I guess it's not my beliefs that upset me, rather other people's reactions to them. Does that make sense? It would if I were vlogging.
I really like listening to people, who think diffrently, express themselves. I am a huge fan of rethinking my beliefs, reconsidering and defending my self. Even to myself.

6. I am tired of the notion that women hate women.
I have a short list of people that rub me the wrong way; people that grate my nerves to the point I have to leave a conversation or walk out of the room.
It's a super short list considering my age and how many places I have lived.
And it's a list almost entirely of men. Arrogant, self-centered men.
Those are the traits that send my running. And, correct me if I'm wrong (see #5), the women that i come across that may be hard to get along with or difficult to love, are, in my little opinion, difficult for other resaons. Reasons that I have a higher tolerance for, I guess.
I'm not generalizing the sexes here, just disecting my person list of acquaintances.
I'd love to hear what you think.

7. I have to pee all the time. ALL OF THE TIME.
I've said it before and I'll say it again...As soon as Coach comes out with a stylish urine-catheter carry-all, I'm the first in line.
I'd instantly get that magical, illusive "extra hour of the day". Bam.

8. I have to pee so bad right now I have to end our little session. My apologies.
 Did I spell that right?
See, if this was a vlog instead of a blog, I would have been done sooner, had less typos and would not be wiggling in my chair.

Gotta go.