New Ways to Keep Old Friends

I love texting.
I text one of my oldest friends multiple times a day. In between the phone calls, we let each other know what we are wearing, what the person at the stoplight next to us is wearing, how much diet coke we have and when we will call next.

I'll share the pics when appropriate, but I don't want to give away her secret identity. And it's up to you to figure out who is who. Let's just go with Thelma and Louise.


Thelma: (she included a picture of herself) "I'm going to look like this all day. And I have no clean underwear."

Louise: "Ha! You look great. Very, very thin. I'm in a hat (it's raining) and camo cargo pants. And black converse. I look like an old lady dressed like a skater. I should probably have a joint in my pocket."


Thelma:" I have to go buy a parakeet so i can have yet another thing in my house making moise. Oh and so I can spend all day keeping my dog from killing it."

Louise: "I've given up on my looks. I'm going to work on my personality from here on out. Well, after I lose 20 lbs and get a boob job. Then THEN, I'll work on the rest."


Louise: "I may have to climb into the back of my car and pee in a salsa jar."

Thelma: "BAHAAAA! What?"

Louise: "I love the large cargo space of my car. And the tinted windows."

Thelma: " I'm putting this on Facebook."

Louise: "I'll deny it"

Thelma: "Just Kidding"

Louise: "I have sunk to a new low. Go ahead. Just label it 'The Anonymous Pee-er'. Can you even imagine how scared I was someone was going to tap on my window?"

Thelma: "I had to pee in a diaper once."

Louise: "You are the second person TODAY who has told me that."

Thelma: "I was stuck in a snow storm with my kids. On a road trip. Those Huggies can hold a lot."



Louise: "My son is in the ER."

Thelma: "So...what happened?"

Louise: "Pediatrician told me to bring him in. EKG and Xrays came back normal."

Thelma: "Good. Glad it's nothing serious. I'm at my niece's football game watching her cheer. :)"

Louise: "So cute!Wait! Wasn't that us 5 minutes go?"

Thelma: "I know. Except I wasn't a cheerleader. Not that cool. It's weird to walk into a hs football game. I got that same rush that you remember from hs. Then I remembered I'm old, dammit."


Thelma: "I watched gerard Butler in Phantom of the Opera the other day while ironing. He's not just sexy. He's damn sexy. Like, it should be illegal to inlict him on faithful married women."

Louise: "I LOVE YOU!!!!"

Thelma: "This should be illegal."

Louise: "Where you worried she'd turn around and catch you?"

Thelma: "Totally. I made it look like I was texting. I'm mean. I shouldn't have taken that picture."

Louise: "No you aren't. In the waiting room of the hospital, I took a picture of a chubby guy looking at a weightlifting magazine. I laughed inside wondering if at that same moment someone was taking a picture of me reading a fashion magazine."

Thelma: " I looked shot to he#% last night at target...so I guess you're right."

Louise: "What if someone was behind you?! I doubt it. At your worst, you're rad. Vanilla in Harlem."

Thelma: "Rad? Such a great word."

Louise: "I get teased out here for using it. Apparently they aren't rad. They're wicked."



Thelma: "My daughter's kindergarten teacher's name is Ms. Hooter. I swear."

Louise: "Does she have a big chest? Cause that could be embarrassing."

Thelma: "I think it's one of those things where either way she's hosed."

Louise: "Pretty much."




Louise: "I was on the phone listening to this sweet lady cry about how hard her life is right now and my husband is sitting next to me ripping farts. Sorry I didn't answer when you called. I was lost in a good book, avoiding reality. It was a great and very effective emotional cocoon."

Thelma: "I know excatly what you mean. I have a healthy respect for emotional cocoons. Especially if they are movies with Gerard Butler in them....."

Louise: "Must rent Phantom....Must rent Phantom....."




Louise: "How is it that for the letter D on the 'Chica, Chica, Boom, Boom' assignment, my son picks damn, die and darn.

Thelma: "Bahahaha. That's ok. My youngest practically came out swearing."



Louise: "Isn't that a great shoe? Ignore the bullet proof vest in the background."

Thelma: "Fabulous."



Louise: "Want a little TMI?"

Thelma: "Do tell."

Lousie: " I have a stomach ache and I;m really tired. But I'm up late waiting for diareaha to hit. There you go: TMI."

Thelma: "Crap. Bad pun-sorry."

Lousie: "It's my fault. Once I thought I was going to be sick, I ate a bunch on M&M's thinking if I'm going to be sick, they wouldn't count. And then I was all sweaty today and I didn't want sweat stains on my shirt so I cut up a pantyliner and stuck it under my armpits thinking that would help. Instead I was nervous all day a pad would fall out of my shirt."

Thelma: "I am laughing so hard I'm afraid I wet my pants!!"

Louise: "Me too. But not from laughing."




Louise: "I realize sending my daughter to drama class is like sending Julia Child to cooking class."

Thelma: "Ha! Love it."




Louise: "We have a church activity tonight and my husband and I are at the movies watching 'Devil' ".

Thelma: "Nice."




Louise: "While folding laundry, I realize i only wear sweats. It's like an 8 to 1 ratio of jeans to sweats."

Thelma: "That's OK. Especially if you say 'esweats' like Nacho Libre."




Louise: "Is this an innapropriate gift for a 36 year old's birthday? Just curious."

Thelma: "Only if you plan on glueing him to your dashboard and having long converations."



What's better than a best friend?

I Am a Loser

My husband just had a birthday. He is 38, graying at the temples. The skin around his eyes is getting crinkly. I'm in love all over again.

When we first met, I was bold enough to declare that I didn't want to kiss him for a loooong time. At that time, I thought it would be fun to enjoy the anticipation of a first kiss. He played along. The more we hung out, the more I wanted to kiss him. In fact, 5 minutes after I made that stupid, stupid declaration, I was kicking myself. Props to me for lasting 2 days. Even by then, my mother and everyone around knew the deal and when I finally couldn't stand it any more, I planted one on him. My mother was in the other room with a guy she was dating. After the kiss, Bryan proudly annoucned, "I got her!" My mom sighed deeply and her boyfriend declared something like, "I knew she wouldn't make it."

One point for him.

While we were engaged, a young lady flew to California from France with the singular goal of stopping our wedding. It was a confusing few days. I tried to be polite despite the obvious discomfort. I even took her out for ice cream. While with me she was capable of speaking and understanding English. When ever Bryan was in the room, she suddenly lost her abilities and would only communicate in French, which meant she would only talk to and through Bryan. It was weird and seemed like something from a lame soap opera, but after a few days, she was convinced that he wasn't going to marry her and she left. In fact, we drove her to the airport. I'm not sure I would believe her gone until I saw her face in the little airplane window as it taxied down the runway.
On the way home, relief prevailed! We were giddy and happy until  he announced he needed a kleenex to blow his nose. I had nothing that would work. For whatever reason, he picked his nose. And yes, he in fact needed a big tissue. Again, I had no such thing. So while driving down 101, he dared me to eat his booger. (Why am I telling you this? WHY?).
 We had a complete conversation detailing the specifics of the dare and it's subsequent reward:
I eat the booger- no I couldn't have anything to wash it down with- yes I had to chew it at least once- and for that I would have bragging rights (?) and the $300 purse of my dreams. I will be honest, I thought about it. But only for a second. What can I say? I am a handbag junkie. Ultimately, I refused.
And woke up the next week to a big Nordstrom box bearing a gift...for me.

One point for me.

Not long, maybe a year ago, we decided on a night in. We borrowed a movie from a friend. To make it interesting, I said we should play "Strip Movie". We each had to pick a word and everytime someone in the movie said that word, the OTHER person had to remove an article of clothing.
I picked first. We were watching a James Bond movie so, like the freaking genius that I am, I picked "martini". I was so proud of myself.
He picked "the".

One point for him.

And so the game goes on. Rest assured, I am losing horribly.

Thursday

I was just at Walmart. I look so hideous, I wondered if someone was behind me with a camera. And that maybe I'd see myself in an email Jen Greene always sends me. I looked up at the security camera.
Eek! I did look gross. 3/4 length yoga pants and a Coldplay t-shirt. And gold flip-flops. With a giraffe print extra large handbag. And to add a look of sophistication, my glasses.
The good news: no camera man behind me. But then I worried someone with a Willie Nelson Halloween mask would come in and rob the place and the security footage would be released nationwide...with me, standing at the site-to-store counter waiting for my husbands new ipod- and no make up.

Last night, I went to dinner. I tried to wear something cute. I opted or my dark skinny jeans. I don't know if it's irony or felicity to feel fat in skinny jeans. Let's just say after dinner, when I had to go to a PTO meeting and sit front and center with the rest of the board members, I could hardly sit up. I think I came across too laid back; casual in the extreme while we discussed fieldtrips and fundraisers. The pants were just so tight, sitting up was dreadful. Darn you french dip!

I went to join a gym today.
It was closed when I got there. So I went home and ate pizza and some peanut M&Ms.
I'll try again tomorrow.

And lastly, you know what makes me SO irritated? When my husband says, "You seem irritatted."
I swear steam blows out my ears as I smile and say, "No, not at all."

Married, Not Marred

Tomorrow, I will have been married for 17 years. I was 19 and he was 21 (for 2 more days at least).
I've tossed around ideas of what to say on my blog to commemerate the day. His birthday is Sunday, so I'll use that day to talk all about how great he is. My Valentine's Day post explained how we met.
For this post, I think I'll share with you a few of my favorite moments, so far.

1. On our wedding day, Bryan must have kissed me 3,000 times. Most were just little, chaste kisses. All through the wedding video, you can see he is rainging affection on me. One kiss stands out to me. I didn't realize it that day. In fact I caught in just a few years ago. My back is to the camera (which is a ways away) and Bryan leans in for yet another kiss and just then my friend Jennifer says something to him. Apparently he isn't interested in stopping what he's doing to answer, so by way of response, he sort of lifts his eyebrows twice, really quickly. That's it. I love that simple moment.

2. In 2007, I had our fifth child, a little baby we named Calvin.
By this time, we knew the drill.I check in; I get drugs to enduce labor; I gradually get more and more uncomfortable; Bryan watches ESPN until I am so miserable, I yell at him.That's when we call for the epideral. Moments later, I tell him how handsome he is and that he should come over and kiss me. This is a sure sign that the baby will be born within the hour.
I destinctly remember the moment, the absolute instant,  Calvin was here. As I opened my eyes, I heard what I can only describe as a whoosh! It was Bryan. He had a look on his face that I can't pen.When he spoke, he said, "Wow. You'd think I'd get used to it. After 4 kids, you'd think I'd be used to that feeling. But it'll never get old."

3. Many moons ago, I worked with a children's advocay group. Long story short, we ended up at the same event. He was asked to speak. Those of you who know us, know that in some circles, I don't use my married name. This was one of those cirlcles. While he was up at the podium, he started talking about his wife. Only a few people there knew I was she. Call me lame, but it was some how delightful to see him talking (actually, he was making fun of her...ME!) and we had this little secret. I can't quite put words to that funny moment, but I thoroughly enjoyed that.

4. Once, at a restaurant on Girl's Night Out, he showed up. My friend Cheryl refused to let him sit at the table. So he pulled another table up next to me and sat there. When the waitress came by to offer him a drink, Cheryl emphatically stated that he was not with us and that he didn't want anything to drink. It was so funny and charming. Sorry to all the girlies out there, but I absolutely left with him. Wouldn't you?

5. He has complained, for years,  that I twitch my feet in my sleep. I swore it was all  malarky. Until one day, while putting on a pretty old set of sheets, I fluffed them in the air above my head and I could see how thinned out the fabric was just were my feet fall when I'm lying down. Sounds silly, but some how this deep familiarity is so, I don't know, beautiful. But even now that I realize this, when I start to fall asleep, and my feet are up against his legs, and he pushes them away stating how I twitch, I deny it.

I could bore you with more. And I will. But little Calvin is done with preschool and my diet coke has run dry.

P.S. AB, you are a rockstar.

Idiotic Idiosycrasies

A list of idiosyncrasies for your enjoyment:

I have a pencil holder and a pen holder. It bothers me when they get jumbled together, which they currently are. Even though the pencils still have erasers and the pens all have caps, I may junk them all and start over. I find serious joy in a pencil holder full of orangy/yellow pencils with large, bright pink erasers. NO PENS ALLOWED! GET YOUR OWN HOLDER!

I love to pop pimples. Gross to some; bliss to me.

According to my mother-in-law, I have lovely nailbeds.
That's right, nailbeds. Eat your heart out Gisele.

I have a Gordon Lightfoot station on Pandora.

I'd rather be smart than attractive. So why do I spend more time thinking about losing weight that enlightening my mind?

I find vacuuming  very fulfilling.

I can share a toothbrush, even gum, but I can not, for the life of me, share milk. As soon as someone else drinks it, the whole glass is contaiminated. It just gets all thick and spitty.

The older I get, the more I realize that I would hate to be famous. I'm alright with being the center of attention, sometimes, but only when I feel like it. Other times, I want to blend into the wallpaper. Being photgraphed walking out a WalMart would bother me. Maybe because it's Walmart, maybe not.

I have the BEST friends, on both coasts and in the middle. Ever.

Best advice all summer:
 Keep Tolstoy on the shelf, Carla Kelly on the Kindle.

I think cheeseburgers are always a good idea.

I have some insecurities. But I think I may be more insecure about having insecurities than about the actual insecurity itself. I know, right?

Sometimes, especially if I've read something Jane Austeny, I fret about how I'd have been something like the scullery maid or the fish monger's daughter and I wouldn't have been able to meet my husband. What a waste of nevous energy. I do the same thing if I watch the Bachelor...I worry he wouldn't have picked me. He thinks I'm so weird he leaves the room. I'm pretty sure this is a romance killer. I will try to remember to fret silently next season. On a lighter note, Kelly says she would hire me to be her maid or something (her hubby is French royalty, you know) and so we'd still have each other.

I 100% loved "Night and Day"- the Tom Cruise/Cameron Diaz movie. Seems like I may have been the only one. I'm willing to stand alone on this.

I loved my sophomore year of highschool. I can't remeber the english teacher's name...Mr.G something??
He was hilarious. If I could, I go back to then and memorize everything he ever said.


So....any thing you'd like to share.

On Paper

I was lying in bed this morning, avoiding getting up. It's the last day of summer and I kind of want to rent my clothes and sit in ashcloth. You know, just a little protest.

So while I burrowed in my fluffy covers, I was thinking about all sorts of things.

I was thinking about what I am versus who I am.

Like, if my life had a resume, what would it say.

It would say:

"College drop out.

Married as a teenager.
Unemployed mother of 5."

Nice, huh. I like to think I have a bit more to offer the world than that. Maybe I don't have a whole lot of interesting facts, on paper, but the reality of me isn't so bad. I'm nice and usually friendly and my quick wit cuts both ways.

Years ago I heard a song called, "Girl Next Door."
An apt description of myself, if I do say so myself. The song is about a highschool aged girl comparing herself to  the "small town homecoming queen" who is also the "senior class president, she must be heaven sent" all the while the singer laments, "And I'm just the girl next door."

I love the notion that she feels like she's not much in comparison. I can totally relate. And the best part for me is I was the homecoming queen and the senior class president and I still felt like the girl next door. Because way back in highschool, me, on paper, was probably a lot better than what I really had to offer.

And now, as an adult, on paper I am a bit under rated.

When it all comes down to is  this:

We are more than we appear. Every single one of us.
I am a college drop out. For now.
I need a fresh diet coke. Now.
And at 12:46 pm, I am in yoga pants (that I've never exercised in) avoiding reality.

Motherhood isn't about being beautiful or popular. Integrity and charity are more imprtant than clothes and cars. And resumes do not include a section that says:
"Check all that apply:"  followed by a list of charming characteristics and personality quirks.

And for some, even though their resume is amazing, it's just not amazing enough.
For example, I just spent my vacation with an international business man, a model/ballerina, 2 tennis champs, an opera singer who has performed for people the world over, an brain surgeon, a man with nearly perfect comedic recall and a 37 year old version of the Dos Equis man.
 And me.

And, when assembled, you know what all of these extraodinary people did?
We played scum, Texas Hold 'Em, ate, and watched our little children swim.

And laughed at the Dos Equis man. Because he's the funniest man in the world.

Have You Ever?

Have you ever.......?

1. Had a dream where your mother-in-law tells you that your bra is doing a horrible job?

2. Looked in your wallet to find your credit cards missing?

3.  Looked in your husband's safe and found them?

4. Been out in public and guesstimated how soon you could get home and put on something with an elastic waistband?

5. Read so many cheesey romance novels that you can feel your brain turn to cheesewhiz?

6. Gone to the hospital to distract/support/entertain your best friend only to drip like a faucet for hours and then burst your emotional levy at the Cheesecake Factory...and then your friend who you are trying to help is comforting you?

Yeah, me too.